Some days, I feel like I am just letting her down and that feeling is worse than any of the physical discomforts associated with pregnancy. The other day we were outside, soaking up some beautiful spring weather. She was excited to use her bucket of chalk as it just recently rained and the walkway appeared magically clean from her previous drawings. The cushion I normally use on hard surfaces was nowhere to be found. I kept trying to get on the ground, to sit on the cement walkway with her and draw with the chalk. No matter what I did though, I couldn't find a position that I could stay in. I tried squatting down or sitting in several different positions to no avail. Meantime, she just kept handing me piece after piece of chalk and pointing at the bare walkway. Her disappointment was nearly palpable. I kept trying to find a workable position but started with some pretty intense cramping. She really believed that maybe if she brought me the perfect piece of chalk that I would simply sit on the walkway, doodle with her and enjoy the day. It was in that moment that I felt like a complete failure. That I was letting down one child because of my own physical limitations, or that I was letting down Madison so that I wasn't causing stress to the little one on the inside.
Tears streamed down my face as I tried to help Madison find another activity that we could both do together. Thankfully, Greg appeared at that moment and was able to easily sit on the cement and draw with Madison. She was content at last. I still felt pretty bad about the whole thing. Greg assured me that Madison still loves me and that I am trying my best with her. He had other encouraging and kind words too, but most of them were lost to sobbing.
After a good night's sleep, I was feeling better, more energized. I found the cushion and spent a good portion of the next afternoon making sure that walk way was well decorated with drawings.